“Thou shalt not commit adultery.” – Exodus 20:4
“Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed
adultery with her already in his heart.” – Matthew 5:28
Adultery has existed since
marriage was invented. Infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only
envy, so much so, that it is
the only commandment that is repeated twice in the Bible: once for
doing it, and once just for thinking about it. I take pride that I’m so…
pure and innocent in my thoughts…..
Why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about affair that make it so potently desirable? And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?
The truth is, infidelity is
common among us. It is endemic. According to Pewter Research, 90% of Malaysian in opinion that
having an affair is morally wrong. If men could be trusted, the swine
could climb a tree. I tend to agree. More than 80% Malaysian men will have an
affair – if there is an opportunity to do so. For Malaysian women, they are
more "trustable"..... more than 70% will do the same. So how do we reconcile
what is universally forbidden, yet universally practiced? What drives affair among
committed couples?
Marriage is an economic
institution you were given a
partnership for life in terms of children, social status, succession and companionship. Biologically speaking, men, relied on women’s
fidelity to ensure his DNA is passed down.
At the heart of
sustaining desire in a committed relationship, it is the reconciliation of two
fundamental human needs: Certainty and uncertainty. On the one hand, our need for
security, predictability, safety, dependability, reliability,
permanence. All these anchoring, grounding experiences brings emotional
stability to our life. On the other hand we also have an equally strong
need for uncertainty: adventure,
novelty, mystery, risk, danger, the unknown, unexpected, surprise,
journey, travel. All these floating, unsettled experience brings us
emotional excitement to our life.
The problem arises when we
got greedy, thanks to K-Pop dramas. We want our partner to still give us all these things, but in
addition I want you to be my best friend, trusted confidant, passionate
lover, intellectual equal. Give me stability and certainty. Give me excitement
and unpredictability. We are asking a village out of our partner!
Ask anyone who had affair,
typically they would tell you:
“Everything changed ever
since we had a baby. I feel neglected. There is no longer excitement in our relationship. Then he/she came about. We got close to each other…. He/She made me feel....
special. He/She made me feel.... alive. As you can see, both needs of certainty
and uncertainty are not met, coupled with promise/delusion that it could be met
outside their committed relationship. That's the recipe of an affair.
The typical assumption is
that if someone cheats, either
there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. If you
have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking
elsewhere. We assumed that there is perfect marriage that will prevent affairs among us, and our marriage is perfect. But
what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that
even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people
cheat, what is it about?
Contrary to what you may
think, affairs are way less
about sex. It is a lot more about desire: desire for attention, to feel
special, to feel important. The fact
that you can never have your lover, the secretive structure of an affair, keeps
you wanting. It is an emotional black hole that is very hard to
fill.
If you want to have a
healthy, committed relationship – remember the face of affair. It is all about
desire. Desire for certainty and uncertainty. Create that desire intentionally
with your partner. Bring in the uncertainty into your relationship: adventure,
novelty, mystery, risk. Anchor it
with security, predictability, safety. Do it together. Go for a holiday together. Plan and execute a life goal together. As we can never
satisfy all our partner’s need, but we can strive to be a better man and better
lady, by having better affair with our committed partner.
Thou shalt not commit adultery. Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Merry Valentines.
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