L3P2: Between a Boy and a Man

December 23. 2012. Columbia Asia Bukit Rimau. Labour Room 1.

 

I still remember that day when you were born. I witnessed your birth. You were covered in a creamy, waxy substance.

“Daddy, come. Here are the scissors. Cut her umbilical cord.”

I happily did that. There was some blood splattered on my face. Since then, I am a father of a beautiful girl. Now, 20 years later, you grew up as a young, charming lady. I’m very proud to be your Dad.

 

I strive to give you the best, my dear Hannah. Yet, I’m not perfect. There were many times I failed. But deep down in me, I know this: “I’m the standard that my daughter refers to when she chose her spouse. I am that standard.” This is the very reason that drive me to improve myself all the time.

 

My dearest Hannah. Maybe you do not know this. Your grandfather was abusive. Torn down his very own family. All these, because he selfishly refused to grow up as a man. Worse, his daughter, chose a boy for life of your grandfather’s standard. Our family curse, repeated. I was blessed, with your Mum willingness to journey together with me as I learn to be a man. She invested her whole youth years with me. Today, I just hope that she didn’t regret it, while I am still doing my best.

 

Men are biologically designed to focus on women’s body. To gain pleasure. To disseminate their genes. It is survival instincts. As such, boys will give you cheap attentions. Nice gifts, flirting, chatting hours over phones, spending money on you. Those are feel-good attention. I’m sure you feel great being center of attention. Enjoy them, my dearest girl. At the same time, be aware that these are easy attentions that a boy could give. It is not the focus of a man. Man upholds a special space for his lady.

A boy is looking for eye-candy. A girl who looks good on his arm so that he could show off to his so-called buddies. Once satisfied, the girl will be thrown off like a used rag. Whereas a man, is looking for lady of substance. Of course he will want to be stimulated initially by what he sees, he will stick around for a lady with intelligence and compassion. A lady who is secure with herself, as a man looking for a steady partner, not a playmate puppet. Man focuses on building a better life, so that his spouse, can share a better life together with him. 

 

A boy plays mind games, because he doesn’t know what he wants. He loves the adrenaline rush of chase. A man, is not interested in cat and mouse game, looking for clear sign of commitment if a lady is available and interested.

 

There will be time of disagreements. A boy will avoid uncomfortable conversations at all costs. Passive aggressive, lying, avoiding even physical violence to mask their insecurities. Man, is clear about his intention. He can have conversations with you on uncomfortable topics. He knows that the only way to build healthy, steady relationship is through honesty and truth.

My princess Hannah. Men and women are different. Women bears the full biological burden of baby. 9 months pregnancy, breastfeeding, baby care. Men do not need to go through this. Thus, allow yourself to draw in a man who would care for you, who would grow with you. Attract a man that will give you the steady space, so that you can build the life, career, business, family and legacy you wanted. It is not out of need, but out of your want, your desire. When you shift that, you will become very powerful Queen. Because you finally meet your King, that man to complement you. Now can you be safe and tap into your true power as a Queen.

 

My princess Hannah. I raised you up as a lady of substance. Today, I am very heartened to see you grown up to be a intelligent, gorgeous and compassionate lady. No matter how hard or how persuasive, tempting or enchanting a boy could be, remember this: Between a boy and a man, lies his responsibility. And his responsibilities become your destiny. Boy avoids his responsibilities. Man grows stronger with his responsibilities. Choose to settle for the best. For him, your King. For yourself, the Queen.

I love you x3,000.... your father. 

L1P3 - Affair: The Faces Behind the Forbidden Desire

 “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” – Exodus 20:4

 

“Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” – Matthew 5:28

 

Adultery has existed since marriage was invented. Infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy, so much so, that it is the only commandment that is repeated twice in the Bible: once for doing it, and once just for thinking about it. I take pride that I’m so… pure and innocent in my thoughts…..

 

Why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about affair that make it so potently desirable? And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

 

The truth is, infidelity is common among us. It is endemic. According to Pewter Research, 90% of Malaysian in opinion that having an affair is morally wrong.  If men could be trusted, the swine could climb a tree. I tend to agree. More than 80% Malaysian men will have an affair – if there is an opportunity to do so. For Malaysian women, they are more "trustable"..... more than 70% will do the same. So how do we reconcile what is universally forbidden, yet universally practiced? What drives affair among committed couples?

 

Marriage is an economic institution you were given a partnership for life in terms of children, social status, succession and companionship. Biologically speaking, men, relied on women’s fidelity to ensure his DNA is passed down. 

 

At the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, it is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs: Certainty and uncertainty.  On the one hand, our need for security, predictability, safety, dependability, reliability, permanence. All these anchoring, grounding experiences brings emotional stability to our life. On the other hand we also have an equally strong need for uncertainty:  adventure, novelty, mystery, risk, danger, the unknown, unexpected, surprise, journey, travel. All these floating, unsettled experience brings us emotional excitement to our life.

 

The problem arises when we got greedy, thanks to K-Pop dramas. We want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend, trusted confidant, passionate lover, intellectual equal. Give me stability and certainty. Give me excitement and unpredictability. We are asking a village out of our partner!

 

Ask anyone who had affair, typically they would tell you:

 

“Everything changed ever since we had a baby.  I feel neglected. There is no longer excitement in our relationship. Then he/she came about. We got close to each other…. He/She made me feel.... special. He/She made me feel.... alive. As you can see, both needs of certainty and uncertainty are not met, coupled with promise/delusion that it could be met outside their committed relationship. That's the recipe of an affair. 

 

The typical assumption is that if someone cheats, either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere.  We assumed that there is perfect marriage that will prevent affairs among us, and our marriage is perfect. But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?

 

Contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex. It is a lot more about desire: desire for attention, to feel special, to feel important. The fact that you can never have your lover, the secretive structure of an affair, keeps you wanting. It is an emotional black hole that is very hard to fill. 

 

If you want to have a healthy, committed relationship – remember the face of affair. It is all about desire. Desire for certainty and uncertainty. Create that desire intentionally with your partner. Bring in the uncertainty into your relationship: adventure, novelty, mystery, risk. Anchor it with security, predictability, safety. Do it together. Go for a holiday together. Plan and execute a life goal together.  As we can never satisfy all our partner’s need, but we can strive to be a better man and better lady, by having better affair with our committed partner. 

Thou shalt not commit adultery. Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

 

Merry Valentines.

 

Area Director Speech 02: Decide

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, for they are charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. – Marcel Proust”

 

Our club motto is very simple: Friends helping friends to succeed. It is our aspiration that our Family Members attained success in life with strong interpersonal and leadership skills. We are committed, dedicated and pledged to support our Family Members through meaningful, extraordinary friendship throughout their Toastmasters journey.  

 

We all know, the definition of success varies from each individual to another. As I continued in my Toastmasters journey, I experienced many failures. I witnessed friendships faded. Worse, I gone through the pain of failing relationships.

 

The truth is, we can’t help everyone to be successful, but we can decide to be successful. Indeed, many of my friends came in aid of my success in life. For that, I am very thankful. At the same time, I am fully aware that my Family Members here could not help me, unless I decided to receive help. Vice versa, I can only help my Family Members here, if only you, decided to receive help.

 

Decide – To make up one’s mind. To make a judgement or determine a preference. To come to conclusion. The root word “decide” have Latin origin. “De” means is to cut off, whereas the “cide” have root meaning of “to strike”.  Thus, in order for us to make decision, there are two parts: Cut-off unnecessary options, act upon the choice we make. If we are not making any decision, that a decision itself - no cut-off, no action. 

 

I think Toastmasters is a great platform for us to practice making decisions. We can decide the content of speech we deliver. We can decide on the positions we want to take. We can decide on the relationships we want to invest. To members, your utmost priority in Toastmasters journey is not meetings you attended, people you know. It is DECISION on what you want throughout Toastmasters journey. Once the decision is made, let us know, so that we, as Family Members of Friendship TMC can help you.

 

To the Exco team, decide on how you want to support the members and how members can support you. After 4 years of ups and downs in Toastmasters, I came to a simple 3 questions to decide on investment into any relationship, be it romantic, professional or personal. The 3 questions are:

1.        Can I add value to our relationship?
2.         Can he/she add value to our relationship?
3.         If yes to both, how can we work together?

By asking these 3 questions, it gave me immense clarity on how I can proceed with any relationship. For the Exco, make a collective decision for the benefit of yourself and Friendship family whole. Remember, tell us how we can support, so that you could be supported to be successful in your tasks.

 

To our beloved Mr President, under Toastmasters leadership handbook, there is a list of tasks that you need to perform. But the most important responsibility of you, as Club President, as spiritual leader and as CEO of this family, is to make quality decision for your personal growth, so that you can serve better as Club President.  Make every single President speech count. Gain personal clarity, skills and emotional fitness. Inspire others to work with you. Strive to create impact by making decision. You are given that authority and mandate to live this life, thus, don’t go through life…. But DECIDE to grow through life. Quoting Tony Robbins – “Your life changes the moment you make a new, congruent and committed decision.”

 

There is a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book. As for me, I made the decision to continue my life journey with Friendship TMC. I look forward to opening up a new chapter of as your Insanely Handsome Area Director. Let us continue to “Friends helping friends to succeed.”

Photo by m0851 on Unsplash

 

AGM Speech: The Best Dating Platform

After almost 4 years in Toastmasters community, I came to conclusion that Toastmasters is the best dating platform in the market today. At least, you won’t be lied about their height and get “catfished” by fake person that never exist. Most important of all, you get to verify the gender of your preference. Not some Nigerian guys pretending to be pretty girls. Imagine Alan took Coco's Instagram photos to cheat-chat Gary for his money. 

If you are serious in dating scene, Toastmasters is the cheapest, best value for money and safe avenue for you to do so. Of course, you get a chance to meet and greet the ladies or gentlemen that you are interested in. Maybe with a few other subsequent meeting…. And if everything goes well, you may walk the aisle together with him/her.

But not many people understand the ultimate truth of dating. Sales is like dating. Getting our dream job is like dating. Even building our wealth is like dating. We can't woo/chase/hunt the dating candidate we wished for. 

WE CAN ONLY ATTRACT THEM. 

As the saying, birds of the same feathers flock together, the same principle applies to any relationship attraction. The good news is everyone can attract the candidate that they wished for. It could be tough, but absolutely worthwhile. That’s self-improvement. Then, self-exposure. In short, it is marketing. Toastmasters provides both opportunities for improvement and exposure.

I’m deeply grateful for Friendship TMC for giving me this opportunity to lead during the term of 2020-2021. I am even more grateful I am succeeded by Mdm President Tan Geok Ean, who is highly competent, always put me up for exposure (for that matter, sometimes good, sometimes bad). At times she would ask me:  “Alan, just use your charm to get it done.” Till today I do not know what she meant by “charm”, but I know I had to use my demon energy, at times, almost traded with the devil to achieve her request. With no reward.... Quite silly of me. 

I must acknowledge my position as IPP did give me advantage and opportunities that I never thought possible. I believed that President Geok Ean would agree with me. We all learn and grow by assuming roles and responsibilities. By merely rolling our sleeves and get things done, we get to learn parts of ourselves that we did not know or even existed. That gave us a direction and become a powerful resource in our professional and personal life. For example, I could be very persuasive with my demonic demeanor, but I had a huge room for improvement on project management. If this is learned in our professional settings, the price could be high for our future career advancement.

Being an IPP gave me unfair advantage in exposure. “You are Alan, President of FTMC, right?” That recognition had led me business opportunities to conduct market research, working together with the fellow Toastmasters. I was blessed with opportunities to experience from different perspectives, such as the research need of SME is very different from corporates that I dealt with before. Most importantly, I harvested friendships that I believed would last for life.

All these would not be possible if I decided to just be a member of Toastmasters. The real growth demands energy. It requires time, energy and commitment from those who wants it. The opportunity within Toastmasters community is vast. But there is one condition. We need to play the game. Because the prize you want is only for those who in the game. Make your decision, roll up your sleeves and run the race.

As your insanely handsome incoming Area Director, described by Madam President Geok Ean, you have my commitment to assist you in times of need, as we grow and maintain our beloved Friendship TMC. The game is fun, only when you are in the game.

Coming back to the dating scenario. Ladies, if you want to seek gentlemen with high EQ, listen to their speeches and see their actions while they are in club. Rolling up their sleeves and take up leadership role is definitely a plus sign.

Gentlemen, I always believed man should choose their lady who are more intelligent than ourselves. Because science have proven that intelligence is inherited from mothers. How do we know if the intelligence of the ladies? From the speeches and evaluations they gave, and their dedication to their club.

Indeed, Toastmasters is the best dating platform as it offers opportunity to witness a person’s character. No more “catfish” and fake profiles. While we all here to polish our communication skills, these communication skills meaningless without meaningful message. Meaningful messages come from character. Character is built by commitment to be a leader.

Character bestows real power to communication skills.

Photo by Shane Rounce on Unsplash

L4P2: An Hour of Your Time

 “Welcome Alan. Eva is ready.”

“Thank you, Captain Leong.”

Room 203. The door opened. A Malay lady at her 20s showed up. I must say Eva was decent looking, with a pair of bright, intense eyes.

“Alan? Come in. Don’t be shy,” Eva dragged me into her room.

 “RM300. Cash. Pay first.” I passed her the cash.

 “Nope. I am here for an interview. An hour of your time.”

“Interview? Common, all the guys here are for my body. Just clean yourself and we can get into actions.” She leaned her face on my left chest and swirled her fingers playfully on my right chest. She gave me that teasing, flirtatious look through her intense, bright eyes.  She begun to take off her clothes. I saw stretch marks on her waist.

“The washroom is over that side. You can take off your clothes and hang it at the door.”

I knew I had to maintain a respectful physical distance to build trust. I sat on the chair, and I told her in a serious tone, “I am here to know more about your profession as paid girl. Just an hour of your time for this interview.”

She was intrigued. “Ok, since you paid for it.  Can I smoke?”

“Sure.”

I took out my pen and my notebook. She looked at me with a curious eye.

“You are handsome. And kinda cute for your age.”

“Thank you. How long have you been working as paid girl?”

“7 years. Since 2014.”

“Anyone recommended you work here?”

“My boyfriend.” I throw a gaze of utter disbelief.

“Your boyfriend? You knew what you are going to do, but why?”

“I think I was stupid. My boyfriend needed some cash for his drug fix. I thought I loved him by giving him money, but I was wrong. So wrong. Worse, I had his child…..”

“Where is he now?”

“That jerk. He is in Bentong Prison for possessing drugs. Useless man.”

“How many kids you have?”

“2 kids. The eldest son is 7. The second daughter is 2. They are at shelter home. I visit them once a month.”

“Did you try to get a more ‘decent’ job?”

“I was paid pathetically as a part timer promoter. After I paid my rent, I couldn't even give proper meals to my kids. Nobody wanted to hire me. I left school at 16. I was pregnant then. My mum is down with breast cancer. She needs money to save her life. Now. ”

“Why don’t you get your own clients instead of working with Captain Leong?”

“The risks are too high. I’m better off to work with syndicates even though they took half of what you paid. I’m paid less, but the clients I received are screened through. The place is monitored. If I’m caught by law enforcers, it will be over.

If I work alone, I do not know which client will turn nasty. Some were jerks. They attacked us, we were raped and perform sexual acts we never consented. Sometimes, they even threatened to report us to law enforcers. Not single cent paid to us. It is way better to work with these syndicates.”

I fell into deep train of thoughts. We continued to conversation for 40 mins. I got to know her better as a person, rather than a meat for sexual gratification. Even though I disagree what she was doing, she deserved to be respected for the work she is doing. In Eva’s own words:  

“Alan, at the end of the day, we just want to be treated and respected as a worker.”

The existence of sex industry is deeply entrenched by social inequality. Most buyers of sex are men with money, and most sellers are women without. If Eva chooses to sell sex because she is poor, judged by society and can’t find a decent job to support her family, taking that option doesn’t change her socioeconomic status. It made it worse. They are among the most vulnerable group in our society.

Legalization is clearly the way to go. It is to give sex workers like Eva more legal protections, allowing them to resist abuse and report it authorities without fear of arrest. By legalizing prostitution, Eva can work together with her colleagues for safety, employers are accountable to state and Eva’s rights could be protected.

An hour with Eva showed me the irony of society. Irony is prostitution is created and denied. Both by society. It represents a moral, economic and social problem that cannot be solved juridically. To the very least, legalization can protect their rights and respect them as worker. People like Eva are part of our society. We may not agree with their choices, but we can choose to be compassionate, respectful and less judgemental.

 

An hour with Eva showed me the true meaning of respect and compassion.

PS: The names are pseudo name to protect their identity 

Photo by jens holm on Unsplash

 

 

ISTT 2022: The Women I Had Undressed

Undress. To take off one’s clothes. To be in the state of naked or only partially clothed. The women I had undressed taught me how to love.

May 2002, Hospital Sultanah Aminah, Johor Bahru. ICU ward.

“The heart bypass surgery was a great success. With 3 and half heart veins blocked, it was a miracle that she survived,” said the nurse.  

She looked tired, yet there was gaze of happiness in her eyes. I wiped her face and I undressed her. It was the first time in my life undress a lady.  I saw scars of abuse, torn by the man who supposed to protect her. Then I saw a vertical Caesarean scar. It was meant to bring a baby boy to this world. It is the testament of a mother’s ultimate sacrifice.

Stream of tears rolled down my cheeks. I could not resist but planted a kiss on her forehead.

“I am sorry Mum…. I am sorry.”

She smiled gently at me. “I am proud of you, my son.” For coming days, I took the role as a nurse. I learn to undress her pain, sadness and depression that tormented her for half of her life. I undressed my anger, disappointment, misunderstanding and selfishness as a son.  I learn to dress her with pride, joy and dignity as a mother.

 

The women I had undressed taught me how to love.

24 January 2013. 11am. Washroom. Ground floor of a terrace house.

“Those unsightly stretch marks. Broken sleeps. There is only perfect Mum. My baby is crying, but I can’t even give him my breastmilk. I am such a failing mother. I no longer feel attractive. I am just an old hag.”

For any first time Mum without much family support, it was overwhelming. She sat in the washroom, totally worn-out and her self-confidence was in valley of darkness.

I undressed her. For the first time in my life, I learn to truly appreciate a young mother’s body. Engorged painful breast, sagging muscles and uncontrollable weight gain can easily make any lady to doubt her own value.

I was totally heart broken. I planted a kiss on her forehead. “We can fix this, darling. Let’s do this together.” 2 months later after an imperfect and clumsy care by yours truly, I was extremely proud to witness she glowed back to her former beauty with her new identity as a mother.

I learn to undress her doubts, anxiety, and weariness as a new mother. I undress my toxic masculinity, social judgement as a “man” and fake masks to impress. I learn to dress her with my imperfect comfort, care, and calmness as a new father to build her confidence as a mother.

 

The women I had undressed taught me how to love.

2 days before Christmas, 2014. That was the day first time I saw her. She was completely naked. My burning desire drawn me close to her. She held my finger. I press my ears gently on her chest. Her heart was beating fast. I could smell her body scent. Intoxicating. I could not resist but planted a kiss on her forehead.

“Welcome my Princess, Hannah. The precious pearl of our family. You are my Princess because I am your father, the King.”

For the first time in my life, I learn to truly appreciate baby girl’s body. I learn to undress her in the same way that I would carefully open a magic box sealed by angel’s kiss. I undress the love I did not receive from my own father. I learn to dress her with inner peace and love as a father.

 

It was said when you undress a woman, you entered her subconscious kingdom, her scents, her secrets and her treasures. Gentlemen, cherish the women who had undressed for us, because they had gifted us their best treasures from their life. Protect the women whom we undressed, not because they are weak, but because they are utmost important to us. And they taught me to dress up as a better man in their life. 

The women I had undressed taught me how to love. 

I love you all x3000.

Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash

Mentoring Chair Sharing 02: Speaking Sapiosexually like an Ancient Greek Orator

 When we mention the word "Greek", the first image that comes to our mind is city of Athens. It is the heart of Ancient Greece, a powerful civilization and empire. It is also the birth place of of democracy: the political system, government of the people, by the people and for the people. 

We also may thought of the elite warriors of Greece, who are discipline, fearsome military force and incredibly sexy gentlemen. It was popularized by historical action film 300. 

"Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty! For tonight, we dine in hell!" - King Leonidas

The Sparta women enjoyed status, power and respect that was unequaled in the rest of classical world, even in comparison with modern world today. 

The Ancient Greek is also the birthplace of contemporary public speaking. The skills and techniques of today's oratory discipline is deeply rooted in Ancient Greek culture. The orator was a celebrated figure in their society. The art of spoken words, rhetoric, was a strongly valued element of the classical education.  The most highly educated receiving particularly strong rhetoric training. This is in stark contrast with Asian culture, where silence is considered as virtue and respect, thanks to Confucianism. 

Let's get started by defining the word "Rhetoric". Aristotle defined it as "The faculty of discovering in any particular case all of available means of persuasions." In short, rhetoric is speech designed to persuade. 

Having high intelligence and good looking does not automatically turned you into a sapiosexually attractive. Your intelligence need to be expressed, displayed and communicated in an attractive manner. So, understanding the elements of rhetorical speech can help you to achieve that. 

Tonight, we will explore The Rhetorical Triangle (Three Rhetorical Triangle).

The Rhetorical Triangle consists of 3 components: 

• Ethos
• Logos
• Pathos

Three components are connected and interrelated, hence the triangle. 

The English translation of the word "Ethos" means ethics. In the case of oral persuasion, the word ethos have broader sense of "what makes the speaker credible".  Ethos is established through a variety of factors including status, awareness, professionalism, celebrity endorsement, research even title and family background amongst others. Your tone of voice need to be appropriate to environment, as it plays an importance role in establishing ethos. 

The key to establish strong ethos is intention. Quintilian, a Roman rhetorician and educator, wrote that a speaker should be "the good man speaking well." He emphasized on good character of speaker, assuming best intentions and the most truthful search about an issue for the audience.  

In short, a man of good character is a sexy man. 

Logos is the Greek term for "logic". In rhetoric context, logos isn't like logic in math, philosophy or computer science. It is consistency and clarity of an argument, as well as logic of argument and reasons. Appeal your audience with logos by: 

• Making audience can follow progression of your ideas - have a clear structure of organization and logical flow
• Offer clear, reasonable point of views with proof, supported by facts and evidence
• Develop your key ideas with appropriate details, enrich with analysis and explanation

In a nutshell, a man who speaks clearly and easily understood is a sexy man. 

"Let's not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives. We obey them without us realizing it." - Vincent Van Gogh 

Pathos means emotions in modern English. When we talk about pathos in rhetorical appeals, it is about how audience will react to your message. The idea behind pathos is you, the speaker, want your audience to feel a certain way when you communicate to them. 

Pathos is the most powerful, immediate rhetorical device to connect with your audience. Telling a story is the most effective way to draw on emotions of audience, attract and maintain their interest on your speech. You maybe able to  persuade them to act based on what you say.  Other ways to keep people engaged: 

• Use humor to keep them engaged
• Show images that evoke strong emotions
• Use figurative languages, words that describe different spectrum of emotions to connect with the audience

In essence, a sexy man is an emotionally empathetic man. 

We come to the end of our sharing. We were introduced with the Rhetorical Triangle of effective speech.  Build ethos - the credibility to make your audience trust and listen to you. Prepare your speech with strong logos - substantiate your points with evidence and examples, so that your audience are convinced with your work. Connect to your audience with pathos. Appeal to them with emotional empathy. 

As you can see, to be sexy isn't always about hard muscles, boobs, butts, barely there lingerie. It is the way you talk and the way you think in an easily relatable manner. It is understanding and application of Rhetorical Triangle that makes you, sapiosexually attractive. 

With the basic understanding of rhetoric from Aristotle, we will explore the 5 Canons of Rhetoric developed by Marcus Tullius Cicero, father of modern oratory persuasion. It is the step-by-step formula how to prepare a powerful, persuasion speech. Whatever that I shared with you is available in our resource database. 

Mentoring Chair Sharing 01: Preparing for Table Topics - Art of Wittiness

 Good evening ladies and gentlemen, 

Table Topics is often one of the most "dreaded" section in any Toastmasters meeting. You will be given a topic that you are totally not aware and "unprepared" for, and speak for 2 and a half minutes. 

Quoting Mark Twain, the father of American literature: 

"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."

I find his statement is quite true. But we are only given 10 seconds to prepare for impromptu speech. The answer: Preparation is done BEFORE the impromptu speech. 

How can we prepare for impromptu speech? We don't even know the topic before hand? 

It is possible, by having some handy "tools" in your hand. The secret sauce to great impromptu speech is SPEECH STRUCTURE. 

There are 5 types of commonly used speech structure, termed by yours sincerely:

• The "Lawyer" (Position - Reason - Example/Evidence - Point)
• The "Marketer" (Awareness - Interest - Desire - Action)
• The "Leader" (Past - Present - Future)
• The "Storyteller"(As is - Conflict - Resolution - Lesson)
• The "Advisor"  (Compare and Contrast - Advantages vs Disadvantages)

The "Lawyer"

 (Position - Reason - Example/Evidence - Point)

Do you have great idea and you want to persuade others to accept it? The "Lawyer" structure may help you. Explain or state your main point or point of view (i.e position), elaborate on reasons you hold it, give examples/evidence to build credibility and finish it by repeating your key point. 

For example: 

• Nasi lemak is the national cuisine of Malaysia (Point)
• It represents the colorful and diverse culture we have in Malaysia. Each represents an unique flavor and ethnicity preference, yet sharing the same base - rice cooked in coconut milk (Reasons)
• There are many varieties of nasi lemak. The Malay, Chinese, Indian, Nyonya, Hakka and Jawa version to name a few (Examples/Evidence)
• Nasi lemak indeed reflects uniqueness of Malaysia and our national unity (Point)

The "Marketer"

(Awareness - Interest - Desire - Action)

If you want to inspire and spark actions, the "Marketer" structure is the one you go to. Grab  attention by projecting powerful, or even controversial images that audience can relate to. Build up interest among your listener by giving them reasons to listen, follow by telling benefits for them, that triggers their desire to meet their needs. Close it with the call to action. 

Steve Jobs speech on first iPhone is a classical example:

• Well, today we are introducing three revolutionary products of this class (Attention)
• Three things: a widescreen iPod with touch controls; a revolutionary mobile phone; and a breakthrough Internet communicator. These are not three separate devices, this is one device. We call it iPhone (Interest)
• Today Apple is going to reinvent the phone (implying state-of-the-art, highly Desirable)
• and here it is (Asking audience to take action by paying attention)

Steve Jobs is the grandmaster of this model. He layered his speech with multiple layers of AIDA model and created a climax at the end. The full transcript is as the link:

https://singjupost.com/steve-jobs-iphone-2007-presentation-full-transcript/

The "Leader" 

(Past-Present-Future)

This is a simple and powerful speech structure that can be nicely used when creating a vision for your audience. You can start by describing what had happened, the current state we are in and casting the vision of what future holds for us. This structure blends well with the storyteller structure. To build credibility, description of the past and current need to be based on facts, though the speaker can provide his own interpretations. 

Example: 

• Over the past 10 years, Marvel Studio had brought us timeless entertainment to the grand scene. The Iron Man, Thor, Captain America and most notable, the Avengers series. (Past)
• As we still reminiscence on these classics, Marvel have introduced Phase 4 series, to fill in the story gaps, putting closure and building momentum for the future series. We see that in WandaVision sitcom series, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (both were nominated in Emmy Award) and most recently, Loki (Present)
• The future of Marvel Phase 4 and 5 are exciting. Be prepared to be awed by the Eternal series, introduction of new characters e.g.  She-Hulk and She-Thor. Marvel will attempt to challenge our comfort zone by producing the first horror movie in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. Stay tune, fans of Marvel, for we will have Marvel-ous years ahead.  (Future)

The greatest masterpiece speech in the modern history, "I have a dream" by Martin Luther King, demonstrated the very essence and power of this speech structure. 

https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkihaveadream.htm

The "Storyteller"

(As is - Conflict - Resolution - Lesson)

The "Storyteller" is the most versatile speech structure of all. It can be used in many occasions. It is a great pattern to use when mentoring others. Choose a story from your past, or you had heard/read of that carries the message you want to get across. End it with the point you want to make. 

"As is" is the scenario before the main character (ie hero) was in before going into quest

"Conflict" is the struggles that hero faced and what caused the hero to behave in certain manner. There are only 3 types of conflicts: Internal conflict; Interpersonal conflict (with others) and conflict with environment that hero have no control over

"Resolution" is the climax of the story, is how the hero overcome his challenges and conflicts. What was the ending scenario for the hero. There are only 3 types of resolution: Victory, defeat and make peace. 

"Lesson" is the core message that storyteller wants the audience to take back. It is moral of the story, values, interpretations and conclusion of story events by storyteller. 

All great movies regardless of genre used the similar structure. To apply in Table Topics, it can be as simple as the example below: 

• I wanted to have breakfast with my family this morning (As is)
• I wanted to have nasi lemak, but my kids wanted to have roti canai and my wife had strange craving for Indian masala tea. I do not want to have roti canai or masala tea (Conflict)
• But we decided to go mamak at SS15 who served all the dishes we wanted (Resolution)
• Find a common point to our different problems. Family harmony is more important than having my favorite breakfast (Lesson) 

The "Advisor"

(Compare and Contrast - Advantages vs Disadvantages)

The is the best structure when you are given a topic of choice. It is also very effective if you want to persuade someone to pick one of several options, or at least, consider them. 

Start of by listing down the topics of comparison. Follow by that, speak about advantages and disadvantages of each choice. Give evidence/examples on each point. Close it with conclusion or the choice you would like to make. 

The very typical topic is "Health vs Wealth"

You can start of by:

• Advantages of "Health". Health is the source of life, allow us to carry out our activities in the way we want it to be.
• Disadvantages of "Health" (consider to interpret in different context). But what's the point of health, if we can't even afford something we like, or our relationships with others are miserable?
• Advantage of "Wealth". With money, we can purchase many materials we want. 
• Disadvantages of "Wealth" But money, cannot purchase happiness or health. However, it can enhance the experience and improve quality of life
• Conclusion: Health is a priority. It will be best to have wealth to enhance life experience. Life is too short to be unhealthy and poor. 

Closing 

These are the speech structure commonly used in Table Topics. Do note that you can always layer the structure within. For example, you can use Storyteller as main arc and extensive Advisor structure when describing the conflicts. That will add more colors, depth and breath into your Table Topics. 

These speech structures can be extended to your prepared speech projects. I suggest to consciously practice these structure in your daily communication. You can even apply these into your emails, powerpoint presentation. 

"The ability to organize thoughts into a short and powerful speech is the first step towards communication mastery. "

Reference: 

• https://thegeekyleader.com/2013/09/29/how-to-organize-your-speech/
• The Hero with a Thousand Faces - Joseph Campbell, 1949

Graphics designed using Canva

Presentation slides download available at Slideshare:

https://www.slideshare.net/drzhugeliang/preparing-for-table-topics-the-art-of-wittiness

 

Presidential Speech 16: Part of the Journey is the End

In 1997, I was appointed as Staff Sergeant for Red Crescent Society. I was from an all-boy high school. I wanted to do something different as new leader. I happened to know a few beautiful Red Crescent girls from another all-girl school who attended same tuition class. Driven by alpha male hormone, I mooted a crazy idea that was never done before in the history of both schools: Joint ‘leadership’ camp. Upon hearing my ideas, teachers were frown with huge disagreement, but novelty triumphed with roaring support from members. 

The camp went well. Anything that could go wrong, went wrong. Logistics arrangement was a nightmare. Disagreements was routine in every single committee meeting. Internal fighting due to puppy love jealousy. Injuries during the camp. But it was a blessing in disguise with many great learnings.

I certainly enjoyed my role as President of this club. I strive to create beautifully crafted, borderline disobedience experience for my club members. Because I know, deep down, each of you are screaming silently: “I do not want just another Toastmaster meeting. It is boring”.  Same as what I did in high school. My Red Crescent Society members want an extraordinary experience, not just another Saturday practice.

Throughout these 12 months, we had 8 crazy physical meetings. We had four joint meetings with vibrantly youthful clubs. Speech marathons, Table Topic Marathons, heart-warming and thrilling speech contests. Working with President who likes to abuse his power can be nerve wrecking and extreme aggravation.  He broke the rules of no sex, religion and politics topics, and encourage others to do the same. Common, leadership IS politics. Stupid and lewd jokes, Playboy costume, drawing parallel of sex and sales over Exco Whatsapp group. Oh ya, not to forget those absolutely time-wasting Exco meetings, many thanks to the Club President. You are welcome.

Like all wonderful things in life, it must come to an end. Tonight, is the End Game.  Part of the journey is the end.

By many standards, I am definitely not a good leader, many thanks to my defiance to establishment set to “protect” us. Club members should be thankful to have this genius, billionaire, philanthropist and playdad as your Club President. I would like to share 3 secret methods I used during my term.

“If you want to lead, invest at least 40% of your time in leading yourself.” – Dee Hock, founder of VISA.

The concept is called “Self-Leadership.” There are 3 methods in Self Leadership: Self-Awareness, Self-Reflection, and Self-Regulation.

The first strategy of self-leadership is self-awareness. When we become a leader, it is crucial to be self-aware of ourselves. Yet it is getting more and more difficult. Any of you ever been in leadership position ever try to ask for feedback? Hey, team, do you have some feedback? Very often what we encounter is silence. Oh, maybe if we were lucky, we may get feedback like “You are brilliant, but everything is fine.”

In absence of external feedback, one of the things that every leader can do is to check that for themselves. One of the tools that I have is what I call character traits check. Ask ourselves: Who was the worst leader that you ever had? Think: What did he or she do that you to be a worst leader? Did he or she yell, or did he steal credits but push away blame to their followers? When I did this exercise, I reflected back to one of my ex-bosses nicknamed Everybody Can Fly Kite. Steal credit and hide behind title. What an @$$h0le.

Here is the trick. Give yourself a score of 1 to 5 for yourself how good are you, for examples at giving or stealing credits, and how bad are you at this one. For me, I not particularly good at giving credits. So, what is my plan to move that up to become exceptionally good at giving credit? Because when we find things awfully bad in others, often resonate also with ourselves.

Yet, over time, our self-awareness maybe drowned by meaningless routine. This is when the second tool, when used daily, can be of great help.

The second tool is self-reflection. Taking just a couple of minutes during the day and thinking about the challenges we are facing or about to face that day. My favourite time is my gym time with Disney channel, watching my own stellar performance how I defeat Loki, Ultron and Thanos in Avengers series. Some of my favourite questions were: how did my leadership go yesterday? How would the leader I would like to be, and face the challenges that I am about to face today? Just one or 2 minutes of those can help to raise your compassion level as well as for others.

The last one is self-regulation. You have done your awareness and reflection. But you will still encounter the moment where people come in and say “Yes, I will do everything and I have everything ready”, and we say “Let’s talk about it.” “Let’s talk what?” “The article you said was ready.” Just like Captain America Steve Roger who said we will win, yet we lost miserably in Infinity War. Crap. You will wish to shove down their throat with these words:  Stop doing this, do what I told you now! This is not the best leadership but how do we do best do that self-regulation.

One tool that helped me enormously is called reframing. Whenever you feel you have this urge trying to strangle someone to get things done, stop. Ask yourself 1 – 2 seconds. On the scale from 1 to 10, how important is that issue right now? With 10 really my life goes, I will die if this is not done, so to speak. If it is a 10 you better fully engage in it. But often, it is a 2 or 3. With reframing, taking a step back can help you enormously and addressing the situation.

These are small strategies, food for thoughts, but what I would encourage you is to think about this when you have leadership position. Invest time in self-awareness, self-reflection, and self-regulation before you go out and lead others. Because very often you hear about leadership like “People want to lead others. But why not start by leading yourself?”

Back to my high school camp story. The camp went well. Anything that could go wrong, went wrong.  Many scandals resulted from this joint camp. Some went on dating. Some became best friends. Some even become husband and wife. It became sweet, long lasting memories for everyone of us. I told them to grow and blossom. But in sheer disobedience, they went on to be fruitful and multiple. Beautiful memories of disobedience, rather than dull moments of compliance. It was driven by my wants. I stirred emotions of members yet created ripple effects that I never thought possible. Law of Precession is at work, for the best benefits of all of us.

I see the upcoming term is way more challenging. Infinity War of COVID-19 will continue to rage. The challenge of engaging club members without physical meeting will continue. But I have full confidence to incoming President, Geok Ean and her Exco team. For she had demonstrated her traits as a great leader. She is definitely not the play-dumb-to-find-husband (“buat bodoh-bodoh cari jodoh”) leader.

Ok, enough of these stupid jokes. Time to End Game, as part of the journey is the end. Reflecting back, I wish I could do more, yet time has come for me to pass on the gavel.

By the authority of Toastmasters International vested in me, mandate given as outgoing club President, knowing deeply that part of the journey is the end, I hereby passing the gavel to our President Tan Geok Ean for the term 2021/2022.

Signing off,

Alan Oh

President of Friendship TMC
Term 2020/2021
Genius, Billionaire, Philanthropist, PlayDad
aka IronDad

15 June 2021, 10.11pm.

 

Presidential Speech 01: Grow and Blossom

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/07/presidential-speech-01-grow-and-blossom.html

Presidential Speech 02: Begin with the End in Mind

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/07/presidential-speech-02-begin-with-end.html

Presidential Speech 03: Who Am I

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/08/presidential-speech-03-who-am-i.html

Presidential Speech 04: Be Bravely You

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/08/presidential-speech-04-be-bravely-you.html

Presidential Speech 05: Road to Mastery

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/09/presidential-speech-05-road-to-mastery.html

Presidential Speech 07: Clarity Leads to Power

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/10/presidential-speech-07-clarity-leads-to.html

Presidential Speech 08: My Fear vs My Commitment

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/10/presidential-speech-08-my-commitment.html

Presidential Note: The Thistle and The Oak Tree

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/12/presidential-note-thistle-and-oak-tree.html

Speech Marathon: Goodbye, and Welcome

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/12/speech-marathon-goodbye-and-welcome.html

Presidential Note: Goodbye 2020, Welcome 2021 (Part 1)

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/12/year-end-presidential-note-goodbye-2020.html

Presidential Note: Goodbye 2020, Welcome 2021 (Part 2)

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/12/year-end-presidential-note-goodbye-2020_30.html

Presidential Speech 10: Bloom with Grace

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2021/01/presidential-speech-bloom-with-grace.html

Presidential Speech 11: Orbit in Love

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2021/02/presidential-speech-11-orbit-in-love.html

Presidential Speech 13: Sweet Friendship Refreshes The Soul

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2021/03/presidential-speech-13-sweet-friendship.html

Presidential Speech 14: Hustle While Young

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2021/05/presidential-speech-14-hustle-while.html

Presidential Speech 15: Something Else is About to Begin

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2021/06/presidential-speech-15-something-else.html

Presidential Speech 15: Something Else is About to Begin

 “Part of the journey is the end” – Tony Stark, aka Ironman, in Avengers End Game, 2018.

It all begins with a shared journey, a desire, a purpose of wanting to Grow and Blossom in this term. At the same time, we are committed to safeguard this little sanctuary with our values of Respect, Integrity, Sentient and Enjoyable.

As I mentioned in my first speech as Club President: “There is no point in getting Distinguished Club Points (DCPs) if our members are not growing personally. Our club performance should be measured by its members’ success in life”.  I am proud and privileged to witness some of the most profound personal growth in our club during this term.

As of 24 May 2021, we had achieved 8 DCPs. I am proud to inform that we achieve 150% for our education goal (18 out of 12 goals). As for Club Officers’ training, we achieved 163% of our target (13 out of 8 goals). I am extremely delighted by this achievement, as it is a strong testament our members hold on to our club vision and values. We overachieved it for the sake of our life successes. As additional feather in our cap, we received Super Seven Award from District. We won the Best Blog Entry of District 102 in December 2020! Despite COVID-10 chaos, we attracted 3 new members: Su Ling, Sam and Ying Hui, who shared our values and decided to onboard this great Friend-ship.

Even though we have 8 DCPs to be at least Select Distinguished Club, the bad news is we are not qualified for any DCP awards as of date. We have not met the minimum requirement of 20 members to qualify. To date, we have 15 active members. I inherited a base of 21 members at the beginning of the term. However, under my leadership, 8 members decided not to renew during the term. That is staggering one-third of our total membership.

I can conveniently pass blame to pandemic or said: “It is their choice. I can’t do anything.” But the truth is: I failed to convince and demonstrate to them FTMC is the platform for personal growth and retain base membership. Members choose to leave this platform, as I have not demonstrated and clearly communicate the values and club vision to them.

I realized I spend much time engaging with the EXCO team, and I have neglected other club members. My assumption of “Exco first, the club will grow itself” was proven gravely wrong. Effort to increase participation of members left much to be desired. While having an eloquent Presidential speech is great, leadership is taking responsibility for the people around us. It is about taking care the people to the left and to the right of us. The highlight should be always on the club members, not on the President.

To my dear members, I apologize for unable to win any award for the club. Under my leadership, we were unqualified. As the President of FTMC, this responsibility of failure is mine, and is mine alone.

I would like to express my utmost gratitude to my dedicated Exco team. I may be ill-qualified to be Club President, yet I was blessed with the best team I had ever worked with. Your sufferings to my stupid jokes are coming to an end. Special gratitude to our IPP Claire and Club Advisor, Lay Theng. Not to forget our Area Director, Clement Chew, whom I have serious love-hate relationship with. They are my beacons in course of dispensing my duty as President.

The Infinity War of COVID-19 is indeed chaotic, heart-wrenching, and lethargic. Time has come for the current Exco team to End Game. To quote Joybell C: “Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin.”

Finally, I see the finish line. I look forward to embarking on the new chapter of Friend-ship story. I love you all x2,998.

By the authority of Toastmasters International vested in me, mandate entrusted as outgoing Club President, knowing deeply part of the journey is the end, I hereby passing the gavel to incoming club President for next term.

 

Presidential Speech 01: Grow and Blossom

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/07/presidential-speech-01-grow-and-blossom.html

Presidential Speech 02: Begin with the End in Mind

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/07/presidential-speech-02-begin-with-end.html

Presidential Speech 03: Who Am I

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/08/presidential-speech-03-who-am-i.html

Presidential Speech 04: Be Bravely You

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/08/presidential-speech-04-be-bravely-you.html

Presidential Speech 05: Road to Mastery

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/09/presidential-speech-05-road-to-mastery.html

Presidential Speech 07: Clarity Leads to Power

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/10/presidential-speech-07-clarity-leads-to.html

Presidential Speech 08: My Fear vs My Commitment

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/10/presidential-speech-08-my-commitment.html

Presidential Note: The Thistle and The Oak Tree

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/12/presidential-note-thistle-and-oak-tree.html

Speech Marathon: Goodbye, and Welcome

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/12/speech-marathon-goodbye-and-welcome.html

Presidential Note: Goodbye 2020, Welcome 2021 (Part 1)

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/12/year-end-presidential-note-goodbye-2020.html

Presidential Note: Goodbye 2020, Welcome 2021 (Part 2)

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2020/12/year-end-presidential-note-goodbye-2020_30.html

Presidential Speech 10: Bloom with Grace

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2021/01/presidential-speech-bloom-with-grace.html

Presidential Speech 11: Orbit in Love

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2021/02/presidential-speech-11-orbit-in-love.html

Presidential Speech 13: Sweet Friendship Refreshes The Soul

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2021/03/presidential-speech-13-sweet-friendship.html

Presidential Speech 14: Hustle While Young

https://irondadmy.blogspot.com/2021/05/presidential-speech-14-hustle-while.html