“A man leaves his parents and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. What God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Marriage is expected to last for life. As I move into
my forties, I hear more and more divorce stories, experienced by friends and
family. In our culture, divorce is seen as a sign of personal failure or moral
weakness. There is a stigma that divorced individuals are perceived as damaged
goods, even if circumstances were beyond their control. Until I read the book
Mating in Captivity and Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel, I begin to have alternative perspective on divorce.
Not all divorces or breakups are synonymous with
failure. People have built homes together, buried parents together, raised
children together, faced economic adversity together. They have done what all
marriages and companionships are about. It is then unfair, inaccurate and shame-inducing that the only mark of a
successful relationship is longevity. Some stories end because life changes,
people have fundamentally different needs or there is a loss and they cannot
overcome the grief together. There are many reasons why people divorce but that
doesn’t mean that it was a failed relationship. The relationship had served its
purpose, at that point of time, at that moment of their life.
Our marriage structure has changed drastically over
the past 100 years. It used to be, people divorced when they were really
unhappy. Today people will divorce if they think they can be happier. In the
past, monogamy meant one person for a lifetime. Today, monogamy is one person
at a time. "I’m monogamous in all my relationships," so they said. Proliferation of concepts
and lifestyles such as polyamory marriages, open marriage,
friends-with-benefits, soul mates, further expands our expectations, provide
more options, and even challenge our traditional marriage.
100 years ago, marriage was production economy. More
kids, more labor, more kids = successful marriage.
Provision and protection were provided by men. There was no Tinder. With
women’s economic independence and contraceptives, marriage today becomes a
service economy. How can I feel better in this relationship? Can this
relationship be enjoyable? Is this relationship makes me happy? Can you make me
more sexually satisfied? Doesn’t this sound like a customer satisfaction study?
If this is not service, tell me what is. If you can’t service me well, then I
will choose another service provider.
More interestingly, we are moving towards marriage as
identity economy: The ideal of soulmate, marriage with that person completes
me, gives me new meaning, growing together as a better person for a lifetime.
Happily ever after. Either you are in, or you are out. Just like piecing up
puzzles, made to complement each other. If you can’t do this – divorce. We are
not suited to be together. Nothing in between. Do we romanticize the idea of
marriage & relationships, to the extent that we believe unicorns exist?
Shouldn’t good relationships take hard work, commitment and dedication to make
it work? Some food for thought.
Divorce is not a sign of personal failure, but rather
a difficult and often necessary decision for personal and familial well-being. Modern
marriage continued to evolve, from production economy; to now, service economy; and future, identity economy. People divorced for various reasons, yet the core
reason is they could be happier. It's important to provide support and
compassion, to put down our pride and prejudice against those who divorced, so that they can move on and rebuild their lives in peace.
“A man leaves his parents and is united to his wife,
and they become one flesh. What God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Perhaps, they were not one flesh in the first place. Or perhaps, the marriage
was not joined by God in the first place.
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