ISTT 2024: The Women I Had Undressed (Post Heart Bypass Surgery version)

Undress. To take off one’s clothes. To be in the state of naked or only partially clothed. The women I had undressed taught me how to love.

May 2002, Johor State Hospital. ICU ward.

“The heart bypass surgery was a success. With 3 and half heart vessels blocked, it was a miracle that your mother survived,” said the nurse.  

She looked tired, with tubes and probes on her body. Yet there was gaze of happiness in her eyes. I undressed her. A long stitch ran across her chest. Then, I saw scars of abuse, inflicted by the very man who supposed to protect her. A vertical Caesarean scar. It was meant to bring a baby boy to this world. It is the testament of a mother’s ultimate sacrifice. Her life in exchange of the baby boy's life. That baby boy was me.

I couldn't hold it any longer. Stream of tears rolled down my cheeks. 

“I am sorry Mum…. I am sorry.”

She smiled gently at me. “I am proud of you, my son.” For coming days, I took the role as a nurse. I learn to undress her pain, sadness and depression that tormented her for half of her life. I undressed my anger, disappointment, misunderstanding and selfishness as a son.  I learn to dress her with pride, joy and dignity as a mother.

21 years later, I finally understand the pain that my mother went through. I had the same scar on my chest like my mother. As she is no longer with me mortally, I truly learn how to love like her. Choose love despite of pain. Choose love despite of disappointment. Choose love despite of anger.

 

The women I had undressed taught me how to love.

24 January 2013.  2 days after my eldest son was born. 

“Those unsightly stretch marks. Broken sleeps. My baby is crying, but I can’t even give him my breastmilk. I fail as a mother,” the lady who chose me as husband, sobbed miserably. It was overwhelming for a first-time mother.

She wanted a hair wash. I undressed her. Engorged painful breast, sagging muscles and uncontrollable weight gain can easily make any young lady's confidence thrown into valley of darkness.

I kissed her forehead. “We can fix this, darling. Let’s do this together.” 2 months later after an imperfect and clumsy care by yours truly, she glowed back to her former beauty, with her new identity as a mother.

I learn to undress her doubts, anxiety, and weariness as a new mother. I undress my toxic masculinity, social judgement as a “man” and fake masks to impress. I learn to dress her with my imperfect comfort, care, and calmness as a new father.

10 years later, I had my heart bypass surgery like my mother. She became my strength when I was weak. She became my voice when I couldn’t speak. She was the only one who stood with me through and through it all. I was blessed because I was loved by her. Thank you, my wife, my darling, my love.

It was said when you undress a woman, you entered her kingdom, her presence and her treasures. Gentlemen, cherish the women who had undressed for us, because they had gifted us their best treasures from their life. Protect the women whom we undressed, not because they are weak, but because they are utmost important to us.

The women I had undressed taught me to be a better man in their life. 

The women I had undressed taught me how to love. 

I love you all x3000.

Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash

 

L2P2: 15 Years

The answer lies in the heart of the battle. 

Proof that Alan Ming has a lion heart. 

"Alan, you are a prime candidate as drop dead case. You have severe triple coronary vessel disease. 2 vessels were 100% blocked. Another vessel is 80% blocked. Your heart is now left with 35% function. You are so blessed, my friend. You got diagnosed on time!"

“What are the treatment options available, Dr Mohan?” 

“Heart bypass surgery is the best option.”  

“What if I choose not to go for heart bypass?” 

“I can put you on medications. But you risk having heart attack anytime. Or worst. Drop dead. Don’t waste your life, my friend. You have much to offer.” 

Drop dead anytime? Blessed? Don’t waste my life?  That doesn’t jive. 

I just came back from Mount Kinabalu hike in April. It is the highest mountain in Malaysia. My friends were fast. I couldn’t catch up. 

1.5km to reach Panar Laban. I was sweating profusely. My heart rate was raising fast. I began to feel difficulties in breathing. Maybe, the altitude sickness kicked in. 

Suddenly, it began to rain. What? The weather forecast said it was a fine weather day. The rain forced me to slow down. It was persistently gentle drizzle. It lowered my heart rate. I began to cool down. 

Looking back, if not for the extraordinary timely gentle rain, I could have a heart attack and drop dead. Instead, my heart condition was diagnosed. Dr Mohan was right. Indeed, I’m blessed. I was given a second chance. And I made the decision to go for heart bypass surgery. I shouldn’t waste my life.

Then, the day came. 10 July 2023. Sunway Medical Center. 

Dr Tan, the anaesthetist asked me: “What procedure you are coming for?” “Heart bypass surgery.” 

Suddenly, there was a total blackout. It was as if my power button was turned off. 

After an eternity, I opened my eyes. 12 am midnight, sharp. My chest felt like as if broken into thousand pieces. I couldn’t feel my left leg. There were these….tubes in my mouth. I…. couldn’t speak. 

I tried to breathe through my nose. There was no air going through my nose. It was as if I was drowning. For the first time in my life, I thought I was going to die. I signal weakly the nurses to remove the tubes. 

“We can’t, Alan. We must wait for Dr Tan’s instruction.” 

The intubation tubes aggravated my tonsils. It triggered my gag reflect. My phlegm and saliva was all over my face. I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to remove the tubes myself. 

“NO! You can’t do that!” The nurse immediately restrained my right hand. I groaned and tears were streaming from my eyes in pain and helplessness. The nurse called the Dr Tan. 

I heard: “Max dose of morphine…. We will wait for you to remove the tubes. Ok Doc.” 

It was a long, tormenting 6 hours wait before Dr Tan came. At 6.30am, he appeared. 

“How are you, Alan?” 

I put both my hands together, begged him to remove the intubation tubes. 

“OK, let’s remove the intubation tube.” 

Words couldn’t describe how relieved I was, to feel the air pass through my nose into my lung. I thought I was going to die, but I breath again. 

“You are blessed, Alan. Don’t waste your life. You have much to offer.” said Dr Tan in a peculiar, profound, prophetic manner.

In the mobie Iron Man 2008, Tony Stark tried to escape from that cursed cave in Afghanistan with his crude armor, he needed some time to load the armour. Dr Ho Yinsen sacrificed himself to buy some time for Tony. Just before Tony leave the cave, Yinsen’s last words to Tony: “Don’t waste your life, Sir.” 

Yes. Don’t waste your life. My dear friends, don’t waste your life. Because life is precious, life is great.   The average life span of heart bypass surgery patient is 17 years. I’m blessed, for I’m given notice of the time I had in this mortal world. So will I, by making the best I have and be grateful from this day onwards. I have only 17 years, to do so. Before my heartbeat stops.

The answer lies in the heart of the battle. 

Proof that Alan Ming has a iron heart.

L3P2: Do We Have Enough.... Money

All of our fortunes and misfortunes are predestined by Universe. Nothing in our mortal life we could bring to our afterlife, only our deeds. The grace of God is sufficient, place faith in Him, there is no need to prepare. Plus, the scripture clearly says that money is the root of all evil…. Is that, really so?

 

June 2023. Sunway Medical Center.

 

“Dr Pao, how much will be the cost of this heart bypass surgery?”

 

“In IJN it is around RM60 – 70k. Here, it may cost about RM80 – 90k.”

 

We came out of Dr. Pao’s clinic. My wife frowned deeply. The creases in her brow told me very clearly how concerned she was. I will never forget her worrisome look and that heavy gaze.

 

“Darling, do we have enough….. money?”

 

Deep down in me, I know, even if I were to exhaust all our emergency fund, it could barely cover one-third of the medical bills. Our emergency fund was thoroughly burnt out during pandemic. Sell our house? Impossible to receive the monies in 3 weeks. Sell our cars? That means we were losing our legs in Malaysia. How about subsequent medical bills? Rehabilitation? Daily expenses? Borrow from our friends and family? Common, Alan is a prideful man. He would not allow his wife go around to ask for monies.

 

“Don’t worry, darling. We have enough,” I tried to assure her.

 

Two weeks later, we received an SMS. “Dear Sir/Madam. Please be informed that your initial guarantee letter (IGL) has been approved by GREAT EASTERN (MEDICAL CARD). Should you need further clarification, please do not hesitate to contact us. Thank you.”

 

The heavy burden on my spirit was lifted. To the very least, I need not worry about money. I could focus on receiving the best medical treatment from quaternary hospital. I was saved from the possibility as “drop dead” case. In this time of trial and testing, my family was spared from further financial disaster. All these is because of a decision made 17 years ago…. Ya, 17 years ago.

 

I still remember the conversation that I had with my high school friend during our Chinese New Year gathering early this year.

 

“Alan, you are so shabby and stingy. You should drive a better car. Your MyVi is now a 17 year old car. It doesn’t fit your status now.”

 

“I’m waiting for a car that can fly, then I would buy a new car. But until then, this MyVi stays with me.”

 

Few weeks ago, I received letters from insurance companies. My tears streamed down my cheek when I read the letter. It was very emotional for me. My claims have been approved.

 

To my dear children, should you fell sick, don’t worry. Daddy will support you and get the best medical treatment. Daddy will protect you till you grow old. I had prepared your college education fees. Daddy had drawn up for you through insurance. Go and study whatever subject that you want to pursue.

To my dearest wife, I will take care of you, till the end of this life.  Should I depart before you, your days after are still well guarded. I will love you even from grave.

Yes, I will love you all even from my grave.

 

Ya, I know, I am not romantic. But all I know love requires commitment and sacrifice; love requires economic support. One of the most tangible forms of love is financial support. To me, a true man, must be able to carry responsibilities on his shoulders. Whenever my wife and children need money, I hope I can say: “I’m here. Everything is prepared for.” Even from my grave, I shall turn into an angel and protect all of you with my wings. That was the very reason I channeled my hard-earned money to insurance premium instead of a new car.

 

I’m very blessed. I made the right decision. It was a “foolish” decision for many. A new car is much more tangible than an insurance/takaful coverage that can’t be seen with naked eyes. But today, that decision to participate in insurance had protected firmly our family economic foundation that I built for so many years. Praise be to the Lord, here I am =, with my heart bypass surgery was a success. God willing, I may be granted another 15 years or more on my days in this mortal world.

 

No one wants a disaster or disease, but yet, no one knows when it will happen to us. Love your family, love yourself, love the people around you. Protect them, show them that you care, even if you are not around. Because life is precious, life is great.

Photo by Piron Guillaume on Unsplash

L3P2: Caffe Latte

 Caffe Latte

 

You loved coffee, as much as sunlight

Italian coffee, caffe latte

No sugar, sprinkle of hazelnut

Your smile were so bright

And caught my heart so tight

 

We began with laughter and joy

I see into your eyes, no light can decoy

Love was easy, nothing can destroy

I was the expresso velvety 

You are the lovely steamed milk

Made perfect smoothly silk

Café latte filled each morning

Sharing our dreams, with no warning

 

We seek perfection in our caffe latte

From the mountains of Ethiopia

To the land of Columbia and Java

Beans grown with great care

Searching the rarity that was so rare

Leaving our hearts to each other so bare

 

Black, with cream sugar or spice

Each is unique, hot or iced

Espresso, Cappucino, Mocha, café au lait

You always choose Café Latte

 

Those were the times we shared a cup

Now the latte tasted different somehow

As our past and present rushing into now

The warmth of the cup, no longer comforting

Our love no longer blooming

Into the deep winter it withering

With no fire that can be warming

 

Each sip, the bitterness linger

It is too strong, too condense, too intense

Mourning our lost time together, so tender

The bitterness was beyond words

 

The fights we had, made us quitters

The dreams we had, became disasters

Since when, since when?

We became each other fighters

We torn each other with our past after

When we promised to be each other shelters

Yet we hurt each other so deep in this chapter

Do we still in love?

 

 

Steam from mug rises and swirls

Our past diluted, and all of its pearls

Sugar won’t change its curl

I gazed into rainstorm that harshly hurl

 

I took another sip, I closed my eyes

As your shadows and memories flashed back

All gone now like the passing rain storm

Left my heart severely deform

 

But as I sit here, with caffe latte we loved

I know one day, we will heal slowly

The bitterness, will fade away

New love will come to our way

 

As for now, I will sip this caffe latte in peace

As I wait for my heartbreak to cease

It was bitter, reminder of our pain

But it is a sign that I will love again

 

Perhaps when we meet again

We no longer in pain

As I dry up my tearstain

And your beautiful gaze remain

With the caffe latte in my hand

Greeting each other in that café of rain

“Hello. How are you?

Nice to see you, again.”

 

 Kota Kinabalu, 20 April 2023. 

Photo by Fahmi Fakhrudin on Unsplash

Pride and Prejudice of Divorce

 “A man leaves his parents and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. What God has joined together, let no one separate.”

 

Marriage is expected to last for life. As I move into my forties, I hear more and more divorce stories, experienced by friends and family. In our culture, divorce is seen as a sign of personal failure or moral weakness. There is a stigma that divorced individuals are perceived as damaged goods, even if circumstances were beyond their control. Until I read the book Mating in Captivity and Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel, I begin to have alternative perspective on divorce. 

 

Not all divorces or breakups are synonymous with failure. People have built homes together, buried parents together, raised children together, faced economic adversity together. They have done what all marriages and companionships are about. It is then unfair, inaccurate and  shame-inducing that the only mark of a successful relationship is longevity. Some stories end because life changes, people have fundamentally different needs or there is a loss and they cannot overcome the grief together. There are many reasons why people divorce but that doesn’t mean that it was a failed relationship. The relationship had served its purpose, at that point of time, at that moment of their life.

 

Our marriage structure has changed drastically over the past 100 years. It used to be, people divorced when they were really unhappy. Today people will divorce if they think they can be happier. In the past, monogamy meant one person for a lifetime. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. "I’m monogamous in all my relationships," so they said. Proliferation of concepts and lifestyles such as polyamory marriages, open marriage, friends-with-benefits, soul mates, further expands our expectations, provide more options, and even challenge our traditional marriage.

 

100 years ago, marriage was production economy. More kids, more labor, more kids  =  successful marriage. Provision and protection were provided by men. There was no Tinder. With women’s economic independence and contraceptives, marriage today becomes a service economy. How can I feel better in this relationship? Can this relationship be enjoyable? Is this relationship makes me happy? Can you make me more sexually satisfied? Doesn’t this sound like a customer satisfaction study? If this is not service, tell me what is. If you can’t service me well, then I will choose another service provider.

 

More interestingly, we are moving towards marriage as identity economy: The ideal of soulmate, marriage with that person completes me, gives me new meaning, growing together as a better person for a lifetime. Happily ever after. Either you are in, or you are out. Just like piecing up puzzles, made to complement each other. If you can’t do this – divorce. We are not suited to be together. Nothing in between. Do we romanticize the idea of marriage & relationships, to the extent that we believe unicorns exist? Shouldn’t good relationships take hard work, commitment and dedication to make it work? Some food for thought.

 

Divorce is not a sign of personal failure, but rather a difficult and often necessary decision for personal and familial well-being. Modern marriage continued to evolve, from production economy; to now, service economy; and future, identity economy. People divorced for various reasons, yet the core reason is they could be happier. It's important to provide support and compassion, to put down our pride and prejudice against those who divorced, so that they can move on and rebuild their lives in peace.

 

“A man leaves his parents and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. What God has joined together, let no one separate.” Perhaps, they were not one flesh in the first place. Or perhaps, the marriage was not joined by God in the first place.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

TME： 骨中骨，肉中肉

我左思右想，决定以华语分享我的祝福语。我的华文演讲还有很大的改善空间，请在座的来宾多多包涵。

MJ, 心里话说一句：还好我不是女人。如果我是女人，我一定厚脸皮的和你争VK。高帅聪明伶俐，责任心强，又非常努力， 这是必定爆发的潜力股。但，他的心只有你。那天， VK 约我吃饭。我知道 Speakers’ Valley 还刚刚起步，赚到的钱也不多。但是，当他知道你的手机坏了，他毫不犹豫的买了新的一台很高档款式。男人把他的爱意显明出来。你的需要，比他的需要更为重要。

VK, 你真的很幸运。有一位女人为你默默的耕耘着。她把她的时间，精力，青春, 义无反顾的奉献给你。在你低谷时期愿意和你一起度过，一起建立 Speakers’ Valley。女人在你低谷期的陪伴，就是最真诚的爱。正如《圣经》里面说到的：“那人独居不好，我们造个配偶来帮助他。”

《圣经》记载：神使男人沉睡, 取下他的一条肋骨, 就用那人身上所取的肋骨造成一个女人。领他到那人跟前。那人说： 这是我骨中的骨，肉中的肉，可以称他为女人。 因此，人要离开父母，与妻子连合， 二人成为一体 。

为什么是取肋骨，而不是其他的部位？如果从头骨造女人，那女人不是爬到男人的头上？如果从脚骨造女人，女人岂不是被踩到脚底下？以肋骨造女人也意味着男女平等，无分尊卑，也无地位高低之别。

更重要的是，寓意女人最重要的责任：守护男人最脆弱的部位 - 心。男人身体比较强壮，但内心是需要女人的呵护。这也是女人真正的软实力。一个成功男人的身边，必定有位守护他的心的女人。

男人说： 这是我骨中的骨， 肉中的肉。这也寓意了男人最重要的责任：爱护最深爱的女人，因为她是我最重要的一部分。一个成功女人的身边，必定有位成全她的男人。男人和女人，本来就是互补互称的。

人要离开父母，与妻子连合， 二人成为一体 。VK，MJ 的父母们，祝福他们，让他们离开。您们已经把他们养育成人，责任已尽。去好好享受你们的二人世界。他们当了20多年的电灯炮，够了。到时有了孙，有空就过去和孙儿玩玩。让他们自己照顾他们的孩子。

好了，我好像讲多了，该停了。VK， MJ 我在此由衷祝福你们：“永结同心，永浴爱河“。 

在天愿做比翼鸟，在地愿做连理枝。天长地久有时尽，此爱绵绵无绝期。

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