Life is about choices

Life is about choices. Some we regret, some will haunt us forever, some we are proud for life.

I was left to my adopted family. I desperately needed some money to pay my tuition fees and living expenses. So, I went to the biggest shopping mall in our town during that time to get a part time job. It was 1996.

There was a boutique Taiwanese tea house at the third floor.

“Do you hire any part timers? I’m 15, but I want to work for my tuition fees.”

“Come to work this weekend. Your rate is RM2.20 per hour.”

“Thank you so much!!”

The lady boss was very kind to me. She imparted me everything she knows about her business. It didn’t take me long to learn all the tricks and trades of running a tea house. From a waiter, I was tasked to take care of the shop alone during weekdays. I worked there for good 6 years.

It was October 2002 at Universiti Malaysia Sabah, University Carnival season. Together with six friends, we started a bubble tea stall. We were very lucky. Our stall was the busiest in the carnival, and we earned back more than 200% of our capital invested within a week.

“Ah Ming, let’s turned this into a long term business. Let’s pool our money, start small, rent a place at campus. My father can help us financially if needed. I’m pretty sure we can grow it into a decent business.”

I rejected his idea flatly. Too much work for me. I had to focus on my study. The truth was, I was too scared to lose my hard-earned money.

Two years later, bubble tea business began to mushroom at Sabah. 5 years later, the first bubble tea franchise wave started in West Malaysia. 15 years later, it is a RM 200 million industry in Malaysia.

If I choose to accept my friend’s proposal, I may become icon of Malaysia bubble tea industry.

If I choose said yes and work hard, perhaps today I would live a very different lifestyle.

If I choose to be excited about opportunities instead of paralyzed by it, a new horizon was waiting for me to explore.

It dawned to me choices made in fear will eventually create regret. It was a choice that I regret, not because I do not have the capabilities or resources, but merely I choose to be limited by fear.

 

Life is about choices. Some we regret, some will haunt us forever, some we are proud for life.

“How do you get into this?” I asked Chee. There was something in his soul that moved me to speak to him. Chee is a friend of mine at drug rehabilitation centre.

“I was curious. I was young, only 19 years old. I feared nothing then.”

Drugs had almost destroyed him after Chee started smoking weed at the age of 18. It progressed into popping pills. It progressed to the point of no return: injection of heroine. Thanks to his ‘friends’ who wanted him to ‘enjoy’ life.

“I messed up my own life, but also affected my family I could never thought.” His eyes were wet. He closed his eye lids, hands shivered.

“If I only I choose to go back home then…”

After taking drugs for two months, Chee became always hungry for the devilish substance that wanted to kill him. He changed a lot for worse. He stole from his family, sold drugs, cheated his friends, pickpocketed and even prostituted himself to affluent gay community to get his fix.

“I told them (his family) my life had nothing to do with them – how I lived my life was my own choice.”

“I got into this myself, but I hurt my family so deeply. I desperately needed a change.”

His mum never gave up on him. She asked Chee to enrol in this rehab program.  He agreed.

It was the best decision he had ever made. This centre saved his live. After years of battling the demons of addictions, he was finally drug-free. He was 32. He was the prisoner of his drug-fuelled lifestyle for more than a decade. Today, he became the person he always wanted to be – an ordinary but a good man.

If only Chee choose to go back home during that moment….

If only Chee choose his friends more carefully….

If only Chee choose to say no….

It became a choice that will haunt Chee forever. We are all born with freedom of choice. We are free to choose, but not free the consequences of our choice. A better or worse “Change” is just a choice away.

 

Life is about choices. Some we regret, some will haunt us forever, some we are proud for life.

I was fat. I was having sleep apnea. The fat around my neck suppressed my airway while I sleep. I was laden with hypertension stage 1, borderline diabetic, medium high cholesterol level. I was 32 years old.

One day, my ex-boss demanded me to do something that breached my personal ethics. I refused, but I was threatened with insubordination warning. Reluctantly, I accepted his demand quarter-heartedly for the sake of paycheck.

I went to my work desk with a dark, thundercloud on my head.

“What happened to you?” my then colleague asked. I told him about the ridiculous request from my ex-boss.

“Alan, you have a choice.”

Yes, you are right. I do have a choice. It was as if a huge, hard brick smacked on my head. I went in my ex-boss room. I stood firm on not following his request. This time, he gave in.

“Alan, you are fat like your boss.”

I have to agree at that point of time. But since then, I made a choice to love myself more. I signed up for gym. I learned to swim, bike and run. I participated in triathlon events. I completed 3 half IRONMAN distance events. As of now, I’m getting ready for Langkawi IRONMAN 2021. I’m fit, healthy, confident and gain back my youth. Most importantly, I made a choice to gain back control of my life. I’m loving it.

If I choose to work under that abusive relationship, I would have lived a life less worthy.

If I choose to give up my power of choice (which is also a choice), I do not have any rights to complain about events that happened to me.

If I choose to live unhealthily, I will receive the man’s dreaded 3F way sooner: Fat, Forty, Fired.

Sometimes it is the smallest decisions that can change our life forever. The choices that we made in love creates hope. It was a choice that I’m proud of for life. I can say to myself with pride: “Alan, I love you and I care for you. I choose the best for you.”

Life is about choices. Some we regret, some will haunt us forever, some we are proud for life.

It is said that our life is the sum of our choices. At times, it is hard to make wise choices given our abilities and maturity we had at that time. But if we make our choices based on faith, hope and love, chances are, it will be a right choice.

“Every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of you – the part that chooses – into something a little different than what it was before. Taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature.” – C.S. Lewis.

 

Friendship Toastmaster Club Newsletter

Issue 11 - 12/ June July 2020

Table Topic: Choose - A Dog or A Cat

Choose: A Dog or A Cat

It is a no brainer choice for me. I will definitely go for a dog.

I had a dog during my primary school days. Her name was Nancy. Actually I didn't like her, and I always bully her. Because I felt that she got more attention from my Dad, and I was the one being neglected. So, during my dad's absence, I will apply some medicated oil on her nose. That irritated her a lot. Nevertheless, she was a very loyal dog. She died when I was in Form 2. I still remembered the day when I bury her in the front yard of my house then.

Years went by. I met my sweetheart at university. She had a dog. Her dog's name was Bibi. The first time when I met him (her dog), he was absolutely hostile to me. But in order for me to get closer to my ex-girlfriend now wife, I had to get close to her dog. I had to "bribe" him with food, snacks and stroll at park. He was instrumental in providing emotional support to my wife. When I eldest son was born, I address him as "Grandpa Bibi". He passed away a week after my son eldest son full moon celebration.

To my wife, she will not want to go through the emotional turmoil of losing a pet dog again. But if I were to choose, the choice is clear. I will choose a dog again. There is no doubt about it.

Received the Best Table Topic Speaker ribbon from Kao Neng Yong, Incoming President of Siemens Malaysia Toastmasters Club.

Grandpa Bibi with a month old Matthew


Table Topic, Siemens Toastmasters Club, 28 May 2019

L1P2.2 - Being Happy Takes Work

We all live in if-then society. Get that car and get more chicks, have that bra and have
more boys, have more money and you will be happy. We live through a prescription list, believing that by following this list is the path to our happiness. Is it true?

We spend our entire life learning to be unhappy. Instead of aspiring to be who we really are, we ran through a list of meeting other people expectations, yearning to be accepted by others. I came to my realization that being happy takes work. I distilled it into 3 lessons. 


Lesson 1 - Be Kind and Forgive

Anger is like a hot coal. It burns the person that holds onto it. We wanted to let go, but we think those people does not deserve our sympathy. But the problem on anger is that, the more we focus on it, the more it grows. Our mind internalized the past into our thinking, it thinks about the future and it eventually it becomes a pattern. For example:  

"I was betrayed by my spouse. He cheated on me. I do not want to be in love again as the pain is too much for me to bear".

"My last public speaking was a total disaster. I will never speak again."

"My father is a scoundrel. He is irresponsible, abusive and mistreated our family. I will not forgive him for whatever he had done."

Ironically, the antidote for anger is forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we do not hold the person accountable, but we allow ourselves to walk free. Forgiveness breaks the destructive anger pattern, even the anger is towards ourselves. Forgiveness creates new room for emotional growth.


Lesson 2 - Reconcile with our dark side


The portrayal of Alex, my dark brother (in actual is the manifestation of my shadow self) had tried hard to protect me. Revenge was the best option that he understand to get the scale even. He continued to exist in my subconscious mind, leading to ongoing destructive behaviors and self-ruining patterns. I shouted at my kids, hot tempered, making bad decisions and even hurting my closest relationship. 

I came to realization: "If I do not heal my hurt, I will cut those who did not bleed me." It will be selfish for me if I continued to be so. At the same time, I came to realization feels like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation , resentment, anger, jealousy and fear... are very clear moments that teach me where is that I'm holding back. It acts like internal compass that tell me with terrifying clarity, exactly where I'm stuck. 

The way to heal is to recognize, acknowledge, make peace and reconcile with my dark side, which is a product of my past. It can be only done by openly expressing ourselves without masks or pretense, with integrity, self love and self respect. It comes with a risk - that I may be ostracized. But this is the only way for real self breakthrough, coupled with forgiveness. 

Lesson 3 - Dream about Future 

I observed that those who are happy are dreamers, idealist. They worked towards a future that they believed in. 

I aspire to be like Grandma Taala in Disney animation, Moana, guiding her family and descendants to realize their potential and back to root of who they are. 

I have a dream. I dream that I see my children and their children grow with emotional fitness and psychology strength to face any challenges in their life. 

I have a dream. I dream that I break the manacles of family curse and chains of past, that my descendants live in the seas of abundance. 

I have a dream. I dream that I bring healing to our trans generational trauma, rediscover our inter generational wisdom and bring blessings that come with it. 

I have a dream. I dream to realize authentic freedom for myself and people around me, that all of us will be free indeed. 

I have a dream. That our family will be strong, powerful, living in the earthly and heavenly abundance, at peace with themselves and people around them. 

I'm still learning to be happy. Perhaps by accepting who I'm, letting go and forgive the past, making progress and learn to be fulfilled everyday, helping  others to realize a meaningful future will make me happy. And that, takes work. 

27 February 2019, Nielsen Malaysia Toastmasters Club

Table Topic: I'm Who I'm; You Are Who You Are

I'm Who I'm 

I'm who I'm because of my experience on the brink of depressions, I felt so clueless and helpless that I couldn't see the path in future.
I'm who I'm because I'm survivor of domestic violence. I know the extend of pain and that lurking dark shadows in my heart that refuse go away
I'm who I'm because I made a choice to be better person, not because I'm a perfect man.
I'm who I'm because of the people around me, who gave me a hand when I needed most, who chose to believe in me.
I'm who I'm because of my children who give me faith, hope and love, and allow me to become their father.
I'm who I'm because I have a dream. A dream of better life. A dream of my descendants will flourish on the foundations that I had build. A dream of strength, fortitude and abundance of life.

Fellow Toastmasters,

It is a fact that each one of us here have a past. A past that is hurting us. A past that is haunting us. A past that keep us in our own mind, an invisible prison. But we all have a choice. And we, can make that choice to be who we really are. I'm who I'm because of my choices and the blessings bestowed on me.

You Are Who You Are

We all live in a society that subjected to standards, perceptions and expectations of others. Buy that car to show how successful you are, buy that bra so that you attract good man, get straight As so that our parents can be proud, study that course so that you can earn more money.

But all these standards, perceptions and expectations shapes us, to the extend we lost our true self. We made choices not because who we are, but to please others. We gave up our power in exchange acceptance of others. The cost is high - we ended up feeling unworthy, trapped and worse - we lost our self identity.

Fellow Toastmaster,

You are who you are because of your choices, not because of others standards, perceptions and expectations.
You are who you are because you are being loved, just the way you are.
You are who you are because you are worthy for a abundance of life, if you choose so.
You are who you are because you can impart lessons from your past failure, helping others to shorten their learning curve and making our society a better place.
you are who you are because you can make choices on your future, not defined by your past.

You are who you are because you have the power to make choices.



24 May 2019, Apple Mentors Toastmasters Club, Table Topic Immersive Training

Table Topics: Epitome of Success

The Disney animation, Moana, had a very special place in my heart. 

It was the first movie that I watched my eldest son Matthew, just before he went to pre-school class. I knew I started to lose him, as he will be less reliant on me as he grows up. So, I wanted to make that moment special for both of us. 

There was a scene, Grandma Taala's spirit appeared when Moana was at her lowest point of the journey and started to doubt herself. And Grandma Taala sang the most memorable line:

The people you love will change you
The things that you have learned will guide you
Nothing on earth can silence the quiet voice still inside you
And that voice starts to whisper
"Moana, you have come so far. Moana, listen.
Do you know who you are?".

I aspire to be like her. To me, she  is the epitome of a great life coach. She is instrumental in guiding Moana to her destiny and delivered her people from the wrath of Te Ka. And it is my dream to guide my descendants to their ultimate purpose and fullest potential, deliver them from our generational curse. That, to me, is the epitome of success.

22 January 2019, Friendship Toastmasters Club

L1P1 - Icebreaker: The Answer Lies In the Heart of Battle

The answer lies in the heart of battle.

I was born into a colorful family background. The family of my father side struggled with alcohol and drug abuse. My mother side was smarter. They were the one involved in the supply chain of drugs. My mum, was the prettiest mamasan at my hometown. I had visited numerous nightclubs during my primary school days. And I know some of my schoolmates' father's deepest secret. I still keep it, till today. 

I'm a survivor of domestic violence. Years of physical and emotional abuse had cast a long, dark shadow into my psychological well being. Nevertheless, I was blessed by a family who choose me to be part of them.  I grew up resentful and angry during my teenage years. I modeled my life against my father. Whatever he did, I chose to do the reverse. 

I was a top 10 students in my school during my SPM. But I had an emotional breakdown during my Form 6 days that pushed me to the brink of depression. I ended up with only mediocre STPM results. Fortunately, I was chosen to pursue my undergraduate degree in Universiti Malaysia Sabah (UMS). It was the best days of my life. I earned a carefree life, and as a bonus, a degree with a national young research award in Biotechnology. And I met the love of my life at Land Below The Wind. 

The answer lies in the heart of battle. 

5 years ago, I was severely overweight, bogged down with all the possible heart disease indicators. I felt so powerless, could not control myself and my health conditions was at its worst. On a fateful day, my ex-superior coerced into doing tasks that I felt at the borderline of being unethical, believed that I do not a choice but follow. I shared with one of my good friend, and he said:" Alan, you can make a choice." Those words woke me up from my deep slumber. I decided to reject my ex-superior instruction on ethical grounds. More importantly I decided to change my body, rejuvenate my mind and strengthen my mindset. A year later, here I'm, a much better version of me. 

The answer lies in the heart of battle. 

I attended Money & You training course in October 2016. I got to realized that I made bad decisions and hurt the people around me because my blueprint of childhood. It was shadowed by my abused experience and I decided to change it. I had a heart-to-heart talk with my father.  I came to understand that perhaps he was also a victim of the situation. He could have made a better choice, he decided to choose the easy way out. We came to agreement on how to move forward for the best of our family. It was a liberating experience. 

We all have a past. That past can define our future if we allow it. So, my fellow Toastmasters, in any situation, never give up the power of your choice. Be strong, be courageous, because the answer lies in the heart of battle.

"The Answer Lies In The Heart of Battle" - Ryu, Street Fighter 4 introduction quote

12 December 2018: L1P1 Icebreaker speech. Nielsen Malaysia Toastmasters Club