Pride and Prejudice of Divorce

 “A man leaves his parents and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. What God has joined together, let no one separate.”

 

Marriage is expected to last for life. As I move into my forties, I hear more and more divorce stories, experienced by friends and family. In our culture, divorce is seen as a sign of personal failure or moral weakness. There is a stigma that divorced individuals are perceived as damaged goods, even if circumstances were beyond their control. Until I read the book Mating in Captivity and Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel, I begin to have alternative perspective on divorce. 

 

Not all divorces or breakups are synonymous with failure. People have built homes together, buried parents together, raised children together, faced economic adversity together. They have done what all marriages and companionships are about. It is then unfair, inaccurate and  shame-inducing that the only mark of a successful relationship is longevity. Some stories end because life changes, people have fundamentally different needs or there is a loss and they cannot overcome the grief together. There are many reasons why people divorce but that doesn’t mean that it was a failed relationship. The relationship had served its purpose, at that point of time, at that moment of their life.

 

Our marriage structure has changed drastically over the past 100 years. It used to be, people divorced when they were really unhappy. Today people will divorce if they think they can be happier. In the past, monogamy meant one person for a lifetime. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. "I’m monogamous in all my relationships," so they said. Proliferation of concepts and lifestyles such as polyamory marriages, open marriage, friends-with-benefits, soul mates, further expands our expectations, provide more options, and even challenge our traditional marriage.

 

100 years ago, marriage was production economy. More kids, more labor, more kids  =  successful marriage. Provision and protection were provided by men. There was no Tinder. With women’s economic independence and contraceptives, marriage today becomes a service economy. How can I feel better in this relationship? Can this relationship be enjoyable? Is this relationship makes me happy? Can you make me more sexually satisfied? Doesn’t this sound like a customer satisfaction study? If this is not service, tell me what is. If you can’t service me well, then I will choose another service provider.

 

More interestingly, we are moving towards marriage as identity economy: The ideal of soulmate, marriage with that person completes me, gives me new meaning, growing together as a better person for a lifetime. Happily ever after. Either you are in, or you are out. Just like piecing up puzzles, made to complement each other. If you can’t do this – divorce. We are not suited to be together. Nothing in between. Do we romanticize the idea of marriage & relationships, to the extent that we believe unicorns exist? Shouldn’t good relationships take hard work, commitment and dedication to make it work? Some food for thought.

 

Divorce is not a sign of personal failure, but rather a difficult and often necessary decision for personal and familial well-being. Modern marriage continued to evolve, from production economy; to now, service economy; and future, identity economy. People divorced for various reasons, yet the core reason is they could be happier. It's important to provide support and compassion, to put down our pride and prejudice against those who divorced, so that they can move on and rebuild their lives in peace.

 

“A man leaves his parents and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. What God has joined together, let no one separate.” Perhaps, they were not one flesh in the first place. Or perhaps, the marriage was not joined by God in the first place.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

TME： 骨中骨，肉中肉

我左思右想，决定以华语分享我的祝福语。我的华文演讲还有很大的改善空间，请在座的来宾多多包涵。

MJ, 心里话说一句：还好我不是女人。如果我是女人，我一定厚脸皮的和你争VK。高帅聪明伶俐，责任心强，又非常努力， 这是必定爆发的潜力股。但，他的心只有你。那天， VK 约我吃饭。我知道 Speakers’ Valley 还刚刚起步，赚到的钱也不多。但是，当他知道你的手机坏了，他毫不犹豫的买了新的一台很高档款式。男人把他的爱意显明出来。你的需要，比他的需要更为重要。

VK, 你真的很幸运。有一位女人为你默默的耕耘着。她把她的时间，精力，青春, 义无反顾的奉献给你。在你低谷时期愿意和你一起度过，一起建立 Speakers’ Valley。女人在你低谷期的陪伴，就是最真诚的爱。正如《圣经》里面说到的：“那人独居不好，我们造个配偶来帮助他。”

《圣经》记载：神使男人沉睡, 取下他的一条肋骨, 就用那人身上所取的肋骨造成一个女人。领他到那人跟前。那人说： 这是我骨中的骨，肉中的肉，可以称他为女人。 因此，人要离开父母，与妻子连合， 二人成为一体 。

为什么是取肋骨，而不是其他的部位？如果从头骨造女人，那女人不是爬到男人的头上？如果从脚骨造女人，女人岂不是被踩到脚底下？以肋骨造女人也意味着男女平等，无分尊卑，也无地位高低之别。

更重要的是，寓意女人最重要的责任：守护男人最脆弱的部位 - 心。男人身体比较强壮，但内心是需要女人的呵护。这也是女人真正的软实力。一个成功男人的身边，必定有位守护他的心的女人。

男人说： 这是我骨中的骨， 肉中的肉。这也寓意了男人最重要的责任：爱护最深爱的女人，因为她是我最重要的一部分。一个成功女人的身边，必定有位成全她的男人。男人和女人，本来就是互补互称的。

人要离开父母，与妻子连合， 二人成为一体 。VK，MJ 的父母们，祝福他们，让他们离开。您们已经把他们养育成人，责任已尽。去好好享受你们的二人世界。他们当了20多年的电灯炮，够了。到时有了孙，有空就过去和孙儿玩玩。让他们自己照顾他们的孩子。

好了，我好像讲多了，该停了。VK， MJ 我在此由衷祝福你们：“永结同心，永浴爱河“。 

在天愿做比翼鸟，在地愿做连理枝。天长地久有时尽，此爱绵绵无绝期。

x

TME: The Perfect Match

 

The perfect match. We all yearn for it. We all wanted it. We crave for someone that comes along one day and offers us an entire galaxy when we only expected a single planet….. maybe more. Whether it come to career, business and love.

 

In career, we seek earnestly to find purpose, meaning, easy work yet challenging enough for us to grow. Earning a lot of money with single stroke of action. Having a boss who are perfect in everyway: good looking, someone who you can be proud of, wise, decisive and most important of all, protect us and guide us in our way, for our progression. Happily ever after.

 

In business, we dream to find that one client, who gave us big contract, multiple years agreement, No KPIs, payment on time. Perfect in every manner to grow our business. We dream our business partners are perfect in everyway, playing the role of CEO, managers and execs. Most important of all, business sail in the calm sea. Happily ever after.

 

In our love life, we want our other half to be our intellectual equal, trusted confidante, passionate lover, our best friend. On top of that, my plumber, courier service, driver, electrician, Grab food driver, baby sitter, tutor, counselor... Oh ya, always and must remember all the anniversaries including festive season. We are asking a whole village from our partner, so that we can live happily ever after.

 

So, is perfect match really exist? Does soul mate really exist? The one in the million that have perfect chemistry? Bring joy to each other because they see the best in each other? They are each others’ voice and strength? 

I believe perfect match do exist. It just that they won’t appear to us in the perfect form of shiny white knight or beautiful fair princess. They often come in the imperfection form. They add values to each other life. They commit to each other. They work with each other. As time goes, they become fit to each other, made perfect in time and choice. Because none of us is perfect. All of us are work-in-progress. Being happy takes work. So happily ever after takes a lot of work.

 

Precisely because all of us are work-in-progress, that the very reason Toastmasters was founded by Dr Ralph C Smedley in 1924. But the biggest problem was that it was only reserved for men. I find it utterly sexist. Why not allow the young ladies as members too? But after some thoughts, I realized his decision to set the club only for young men was extremely wise, even though it is not well accepted in today’s context.

 

The clue lies in official history narrative: “Smedley saw a need for the men in the community to learn how to speak, conduct meetings, plan programs and work on committees, and he wanted to help them.” It hinted that young men then were in “bad shape”. If the young men can’t lead, can’t speak and communicate well, how can they attract a decent wife? If these young men can’t get their spouses, that will be disastrous to human race. Plus, young men tend to have an inferiority complex. Dr Ralph did not want to embarrass them in front of ladies.  Thus, the decision of the club to be exclusive for young men. Wise decision indeed and being sexist appropriately.  Disclaimer: Please, those were my hypothetical deductive reasoning.

 

Ok, enough joke. Let’s get into the meeting.

Photo by Vardan Papikyan on Unsplash

L3P2: Swan Song.... For Now

 

I speak, I write to illuminate each corner of my darkness, to make me feel my inner self that is still alive– Madhuparna Mishra

I speak, I write till no words left for the swan’s song if I leave. – Sandesh

August 2020. Sabah State Assembly was just dissolved. I was the Club President of Friendship Toastmasters Club then. I received a phone call while I was preparing for our meeting.

“Is this Alan Oh?”

“My name is Handsome Lau. I got your contact from Jacy Wee, Money & You Toastmasters Club.”

“Handsome?” Gosh. Can’t believe someone who is so thick-skinned.

“No. Hanson.”

“Ok. Hanson. How can I assist you?”

“We are chartering a new Toastmasters Club. Would you like to explore that?” After about 10 mins conversation, I agreed to attend demo meeting.

After 5 -6 demo meetings, our Club was finally chartered. KLBL Toastmasters Club. Dr Sawiah was instrumental in getting the formidable, convincing and undisputable ‘numbers’ in.

 

2020 - 2021 was one of my emotionally and financially challenged year in my life. I was loss, lost and lose in most of the aspects in my life. The feeling of thoroughly defeated in life was overwhelming. In fact, overwhelming was an understatement. But I hang on to the faith that there will be a way out and seek earnestly for opportunities to breakthrough.

I was assigned as mentor for Group 4 - Hermes. As days went by, I witnessed the transformation that Mara had. Dira was seeking earnestly for her inner peace and she managed to find pieces of it. Grace, kept trying to overcome her communication challenges. Eventually she did. Lina became a powerful storyteller. Oh ya, I edited the Stevie’s wedding speech. He told me there was magic in my script. But, where is the very magical change I was looking for?

Throughout these very challenging period of time, I must thank Hanson and Naza. Both of them engaged me for my market research expertise to assist their clients. The fees that I received, was sufficient for me to cover some critical expenses of my family. More importantly, the money I received protected my ego as a man and a father from further bruises. Man, is supposed to provide and protect his family. That’s our heavenly mandate.

 

Till January 2021, if my memory serves me correctly, Dr Sawiah shared about sexual transmutation. As a lecherous, impure and lustful man, that caught my attention. In fact, deep attention. I pondered, meditated, thinking about it. Ya right, man only thinking about sex. I totally agree with it. I studied earnestly on sexual transmutation, but the breakthrough that I seek was still nowhere to be seen.

A year later, the Enlightenment moment came. Sexual transmutation is about seeking wisdom of pleasure!! I pieced up the puzzles of sexual transmutation process, overcame my guilt. I began to experience breakthrough that I was seeking for. The right people, solutions and wealth began to pour in. I finally understood and know how to harness the real power of my raw libido. Since then, my life began to move into new trajectory. For better.

 

I owe a huge debt to KLBL TMC members. I know I am not the “typical” “polite” “no-sex-religion-politic” kind of Toastmasters. I do not fit in the bill. But yet, the members here are such a wonderful audience. You all provided me a safe space for me to innovate, to ponder, to experiment new genre of speeches, pushing the boundaries of “typical” Toastmasters. In fact, the members here had unleashed my creativity potential. For that, I’m eternally grateful.

I sincerely appreciate the friendship I had in this Club. Special mentions to Hanson, Naza, Dr Sawiah, Mara, Mey and Dira. I will always remember the deep, intellectual conversations we had. And I do find Cambodian ladies are absolutely brilliant, charming and.... sensual in their very own unique ways.

The demand of family, business and life continues to grow as I moved into the orbit of next phase growth. I made a choice. To seek new growth financially and in character so that I can bring prosperity to my family, and create new values for the people around me. I know that I will not be able to commit to the requirement set by our Club in terms of attendance. The rules must be enforced for the benefit of community regardless their status. Otherwise, the very culture of my beloved KLBL will crumble. As such, I made a tough decision to go on sabbatical.

 

Thank you KLBL TMC, for journeying with me during the toughest time for my life. I owe it to the Club. Please, should the Club need my assistance, please let me know. I am available for drink and definitely a warm hugs from ladies. Ya, gentlemen too.

I speak, I write to illuminate each corner of my dark, to make me feel my inner self that is still alive. I speak, I write till no words left for the swan’s song if I leave.

Till then.... 

Photo by David Clode on Unsplash

L3P2: Between a Boy and a Man

December 23. 2012. Columbia Asia Bukit Rimau. Labour Room 1.

 

I still remember that day when you were born. I witnessed your birth. You were covered in a creamy, waxy substance.

“Daddy, come. Here are the scissors. Cut her umbilical cord.”

I happily did that. There was some blood splattered on my face. Since then, I am a father of a beautiful girl. Now, 20 years later, you grew up as a young, charming lady. I’m very proud to be your Dad.

 

I strive to give you the best, my dear Hannah. Yet, I’m not perfect. There were many times I failed. But deep down in me, I know this: “I’m the standard that my daughter refers to when she chose her spouse. I am that standard.” This is the very reason that drive me to improve myself all the time.

 

My dearest Hannah. Maybe you do not know this. Your grandfather was abusive. Torn down his very own family. All these, because he selfishly refused to grow up as a man. Worse, his daughter, chose a boy for life of your grandfather’s standard. Our family curse, repeated. I was blessed, with your Mum willingness to journey together with me as I learn to be a man. She invested her whole youth years with me. Today, I just hope that she didn’t regret it, while I am still doing my best.

 

Men are biologically designed to focus on women’s body. To gain pleasure. To disseminate their genes. It is survival instincts. As such, boys will give you cheap attentions. Nice gifts, flirting, chatting hours over phones, spending money on you. Those are feel-good attention. I’m sure you feel great being center of attention. Enjoy them, my dearest girl. At the same time, be aware that these are easy attentions that a boy could give. It is not the focus of a man. Man upholds a special space for his lady.

A boy is looking for eye-candy. A girl who looks good on his arm so that he could show off to his so-called buddies. Once satisfied, the girl will be thrown off like a used rag. Whereas a man, is looking for lady of substance. Of course he will want to be stimulated initially by what he sees, he will stick around for a lady with intelligence and compassion. A lady who is secure with herself, as a man looking for a steady partner, not a playmate puppet. Man focuses on building a better life, so that his spouse, can share a better life together with him. 

 

A boy plays mind games, because he doesn’t know what he wants. He loves the adrenaline rush of chase. A man, is not interested in cat and mouse game, looking for clear sign of commitment if a lady is available and interested.

 

There will be time of disagreements. A boy will avoid uncomfortable conversations at all costs. Passive aggressive, lying, avoiding even physical violence to mask their insecurities. Man, is clear about his intention. He can have conversations with you on uncomfortable topics. He knows that the only way to build healthy, steady relationship is through honesty and truth.

My princess Hannah. Men and women are different. Women bears the full biological burden of baby. 9 months pregnancy, breastfeeding, baby care. Men do not need to go through this. Thus, allow yourself to draw in a man who would care for you, who would grow with you. Attract a man that will give you the steady space, so that you can build the life, career, business, family and legacy you wanted. It is not out of need, but out of your want, your desire. When you shift that, you will become very powerful Queen. Because you finally meet your King, that man to complement you. Now can you be safe and tap into your true power as a Queen.

 

My princess Hannah. I raised you up as a lady of substance. Today, I am very heartened to see you grown up to be a intelligent, gorgeous and compassionate lady. No matter how hard or how persuasive, tempting or enchanting a boy could be, remember this: Between a boy and a man, lies his responsibility. And his responsibilities become your destiny. Boy avoids his responsibilities. Man grows stronger with his responsibilities. Choose to settle for the best. For him, your King. For yourself, the Queen.

I love you x3,000.... your father. 

L3P2: The Adopted Orphan

September 1981. Noon. 

 

"I have a 6 months baby boy here. Would you like to baby sit him?" A pretty mamasan in her early 30s asked. 

 

Since then, I addressed her as Nanny. I stayed with her for 12 years. 

 

After I completed my primary school, I went back to my biological family for 2 years. Her granddaughter said: "You must call her Popo, (which means Grandma), not Nanny." Since then, I addressed her as Popo. 

 

11 years ago, I was very fortunate to have the opportunity to holiday with her at Taiwan. After the trip, she asked me, “Do you want to be my son, or my grandson?”

 

“Grandson.”

 

“Why?” She asked.

 

“If I be the grandson, I will be the eldest. The eldest grandson will be treated as youngest son. Double blessings. When my son is borne, he will be eldest great grandson, also the youngest grandson. Quadruple blessings!!”

 

Since then, I addressed her as Great Grandma, fondly as Taima.

 

Taima often reminded me on the medical “adventures” that she had with me. In 2008, she had a gallbladder removal surgery. I was there with her. In 2014, she was diagnosed with early-stage breast cancer. I managed to get her Malaysia’s most authoritative surgeon, Prof Yip to treat her. In May 2019, she was down with serious stomach ulcer rupture. I managed to get her to Hospital Kuala Lumpur to have the best doctor to attend to her, Dr Yau.

 

“Alan, you have save me thrice.”

 

Thrice. Everything that comes in threes are perfect. Then the fourth came…

 

“Alan, something is not right. Taima is not eating her meals and she is sleeping all day long. Her cough is getting worse.”

 

“Let’s have a video call,” I said.

 

“Taima! Alan here. How are you? Chinese New Year is nearby. I will come and visit you ya! I want you to give big ang pows to my kids ya!”

 

No response from her.

 

“I bring to your favourite Japanese food restaurant, you want?”

 

Again, no response.

 

She was admitted to Pantai Hospital Batu Pahat. It was 2 days before Christmas.

 

The doctor came back with his diagnosis. Superbug infection. She was put on very strong antibiotic course for 10 days.

 

She often complained pain at her stomach. She couldn’t sleep. The pain was so intolerable, she often said: “Just let me go, I want to die.”

 

“Taima, my kids are waiting for your ang pow for Chinese New Year. You will be well very soon.” I tried to comfort her.

 

7 days after the antibiotic course, the bacterial infection was subsided. But Taima never regain her appetite. Two spoons of porridge, the most 3 spoons every 2 hours. Her tormenting stomach pain got worse. Severe water retention on her limbs.

 

“What can we do, doctor? Please help her.”

 

“These are often the symptoms of late-stage cancer patients. You can either stay in hospital and continue the dripping, or you can go home. There is no point for us to diagnose, as it will inflict more pain. We have done our best.” It was doctor’s code – prepare for her death.

 

The hardest choice requires the strongest will. We made the hardest decision to take her home. Hour by hour, we witnessed her life withered away. She could no longer swallow. Her breathing was getting slower.  That is the hardest part of palliative care. To experience her life taken away minute by minute.

 

“Taima, don’t worry. We will take good care of ourselves. Follow the light,” I told her. That midnight, 9 January 2023, she departed to Land of Eternal Serenity. We hosted her funeral exactly in the way she instructed us. This Chinese New Year my kids did not receive ang pow from her. This Chinese New Year, I could not bless her the fruits of my labour. I do miss her. I miss you, Taima. Very much. I was an orphan, but because of you, I have a family.

 

My dear friends, I urge you, I urge you to cherish the time you have with your parents. Because we never know how much time we have. Visit them. Call them. While we can. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to say goodbye. While we grief for our loss, we strive to create a better future for ourselves and people around us. Perhaps this is the best honor we can give to our departed loved ones. And perhaps this is the best way to grief.